Why developing a good self esteem is not always the answer!

Blog: Erica Jackson 2025

What! That’s crazy, you may say, of course it is better to have a healthy self-esteem in life, in order to feel happy and to succeed. We need to feel good about ourselves to get on well with others and be resilient to life’s ups and downs.

One psychologist researcher, William James, said to have good self esteem is to have a positive evaluation of our worthiness as an individual. What this means is that to have good self-esteem we must perceive/think that we are good at things that are important to us.

Another researcher said that our self-esteem is gained from our “looking glass self” i.e. how we think other’s see us. And especially, apparently, not particularly those close to us, but those we only know a little, if at all. (Cooley). Some psychologists believe however, that this can mean our self esteem is based on our, often incorrect, assumptions about what other people (sometimes even strangers) think about us.

The growth in interest in the importance of self-esteem however, led to a growing trend in schools, to try to improve grade outcomes and behaviour. by giving lots of praise and avoiding criticism. Unfortunately, research shows however, that self esteem appears to be the result rather that the cause of improved academic performance.

The problem appears to be what people need to do to feel higher self-esteem. Imagine you are a singer and song writer, and you invite your family and friends to see you perform at a local pub. After the big night you ask them for feedback on how they thought it went and they say “you were OK. You were average”. How would you feel in this scenario? I imagine quite sad, ashamed maybe, humiliated? Thoughts like “I am a failure” may go through your mind? It’s as if in this day and age, being average is just not OK. We must be special and above average to have any worth at all. Not all of us can be above average all the time and so we need to inflate our self-evaluations and put other’s down to try to achieve that.

The problem with this is things like the development of prejudice in groups and angry division in society. To feel good, one must belong to a group that is superior to others for example. Or people may dismiss realistic feedback as unreliable and biased, or imagine other people being jealous of them. They may not take responsibility for their actions or will blame someone else or their lack of correct tools for their poor performance, all of which can stop healthy personal growth.

There is a growth of narcissism in teenagers since 1987

There is also a worrying trend of the growth of narcissism since 1987. 65% of students in one study showed them scoring higher in narcissistic traits that previous generations. Students were happier but had an inflated and unrealistic idea about their own level of attractiveness and abilities; and whilst they often felt entitled to special treatment, they were also very easily offended and upset when someone did not give them the praise they thought they deserved.

One other problem with self-esteem is that it is so reliant on achieving e.g. good looks, doing well in school or work, and being liked or approved of by others, that developing skills important for life in general can be neglected. E.g. a young man who gets his self-worth from being a good football player may neglect his homework in school, or a young woman so keen on being seen as attractive by others, may neglect learning how to get on with others and develop skills in empathy and kindness. Their self-worth is dependent on doing well and this can of course change drastically from day to day.  They have no resilience.

Of course, some people do seem to possess an innate good self esteem which bring happiness and optimism and motivation, and it is not linked to narcissism, but researchers are not sure how or why they do. But what a lot of researchers agree on, that helps us feel good about ourselves, and therefore bring more well-being, is something that does not rely on judgements of our selves positively or negatively.

Self-compassion and self-acceptance:

Self-compassion and self-acceptance, simply put, are an understanding that we are human and are not perfect; that life can be hard sometimes, through no fault of our own. We can offer ourselves soothing words and kindness, instead of stoic “grin and bear it” or harsh self-criticism. It recognises that all people make mistakes, and fail and are inadequate in some way, and it sees imperfections as part of the shared human experience. When bad things happen in life, which they inevitably will sometimes, they are seen in the light of it being a common human experience so that people feel connected to others instead of isolated in their suffering. Often when people are suffering, they feel isolated, focussing on their personal flaws or hard times as if somehow it is abnormal to fail, have weaknesses or undergo hardship. “Why me?” is, when you think about it, quite irrational, when you think about how hard it can be for everyone but can lead to people feeling on their own in their suffering, quite needlessly.

Mindfulness is so important here. It helps us to notice how we are suffering so that we can be kind to ourselves. Often, we are too busy focussing on the thing we dislike about ourselves and trying to problem solve that we don’t even notice that we are suffering long enough to be kind to ourselves. Mindfulness helps us stand back a little from our busy minds and take a more rational or realistic perspective so that we neither ignore nor ruminate too much on the disliked aspects of ourselves. We can “over identify” i.e. get swept away by our own story about our pain and can then fixate and exaggerate our negative thoughts and emotions, so that we end up not seeing our situation clearly at all. Welcome in depression and anxiety.

In contrast what researchers have found that people who strive to be more self-compassionate and accepting of all their unique strengths and weaknesses, tend to be much happier and resilient.

So how can I become more accepting of myself?

1. Read the book: “The Courage to be disliked” by Ichiro Kishimi and Fumitake Koga, based on something called Adlerian psychology. A good and interesting read.

2. Embrace what makes you unique

A good place to start is to think of the things that make you special. Ask yourself how these differences may benefit you in the future and how they add value to your life.

3. Let go of the things you can’t change

It’s important not to focus on the things you can’t change. You may find it helpful to write a letter to yourself about letting go of what you can’t change and welcoming the things you love about yourself.

4. Identify your strengths

Write down the things you’re good at and/or love to do (e.g. sports, music, art, etc.). Practicing these activities regularly can help you feel more confident in your abilities.

5. Set goals

Set a few realistic goals for yourself and create a plan to meet them (this may also help with your self-esteem). Don’t forget to reward yourself when you meet a goal!

6. Celebrate your accomplishments

Make a list of everything you’ve accomplished so far and add to it regularly. Post your list someplace where you can see it often. Be proud of yourself!

7. Plan ahead

If you can, try to avoid the people and/or things that challenge your self-acceptance. Memorize a few go-to thoughts you can say to yourself if you begin to doubt or question your worth (some people call these thoughts affirmations).

8. Think realistically

Remember to speak kindly to yourself and turn any self-critical, negative thoughts into more realistic ones. Don’t be too hard on yourself or try not to compare yourself to others.

9. Be kind to yourself

Consider a few things you can do to treat yourself and spend quality time on your own (e.g. taking a warm bath, going for a walk in nature, etc.). It’s also important to take care of yourself by eating right, sleeping enough and exercising regularly. Try doing some of the things you always used to do that helped you feel happier/content.

10. Get involved

Volunteer, get a part-time job or try a new extracurricular activity to learn more about yourself, what you enjoy and what you’re good at.

11. Find support

You can always share your feelings with people you trust such as family and friends. (You could even try asking them to name two or three things they like about you.) Try talking to new people to get new perspectives and ideas.

References: Self-Compassion, Self-Esteem, and Well-Being Kristin D. Neff* University of Texas at Austin